I continue my quest for love. Knowing only what I don't want:
I'm not depressed because I can't find the “one”. I never could picture myself settling down. I pictured myself “falling in love” a few times. Each man drastically different then the last. Each man would teach me something new, like how to cook Chorizo Burgers with Tomatillo Relish, or knit my socks, or ride a vespa , or play the violin. However, in last 6 years, ever since I first knew I liked boys, I have not come one step closer to meeting Mr. (temporarily) right.
I actually enjoy casual dating, but in the last two years the only romantic relationships that I've really wanted to pursue were with repressed, self-hating, depressive types. I don't know why this is but for some reason it's hard for me to like guys that are mentally and emotionally healthy. I enjoy having sane friends so the fact that I lust after unstable, or at least unhappy, guys is very frustrating.
Recently, someone asked me what I looked for in a potential boyfriend. It was very hard for me to articulate my thoughts on the matter.
“ Well, uh, I guess I just want to be with someone who's their own person. Who hasn't been totally influenced by hipster culture, or gay culture, or well by anything. I mean as long as they're complicated.” ....
My friend stared at me, obviously deeply concerned.
“ You can't not be effected by anything. What does that even mean? And besides you can be stable and creative. You don't have to be attracted to guys who totally hate themselves. Like what does that even say about you?
I felt a little attacked.
I close my eyes. I like myself. I'm a nice, social, funny guy. I'm...
“ So why do you think you're attracted to such messed up guys?” My friend blurted out.
“Uhh, well ....I just choose guys who are the exact opposite of everything I really hate.”
I change the topic.
6 months ago